I had a teacher a while back who used to ask, “So what?” while coaching. My first thought was that this was an insensitive way to approach people in turmoil, but as I began to understand it better, it became clear how impactful these two little words can be.
When feeling unsettled by a circumstance in our lives, this question draws our attention to what we are making things mean. And what we make things mean is just about always what causes our pain and suffering.
So what exactly do I mean? When we ask” So what?” the answer will show us the thoughts (opinions and judgements) that are creating our pain. We often assume those thoughts are true, but more often than not they are just stories we make up in our heads. In many cases we add meaning to things where no additional meaning is needed.
Some may call this overanalyzing. We rehash what happened or didn’t happen, and add to it. We add what we think other people’s motives may be, or we assume we know what they are thinking. We jump to conclusions.
If your husband isn’t that affectionate, do you make it mean he doesn’t love you, or your relationship is doomed? If your boss doesn’t praise you regularly, do you make it mean she doesn’t appreciate your work? If your friend doesn’t text you back immediately, do you think she’s upset with you? If someone you care about doesn’t respond to something the way you had hoped, do you make it mean he or she is disinterested in you or you did something to change the way they feel about you?
These assumptions we make don’t serve us. They are thoughts/stories we make up based on our own insecurities and concerns. Generally they come from our fears.
Not only do we do this with the people in our lives, we do it to ourselves as well. If you gain five pounds, and don’t feel great about it, you can ask, “So what?” Are you making it mean you’re disgusting? If you don’t get that job you had hoped for, “So what?” Do you make it mean you’re inadequate or a failure? The answer to the “So what” question is the thought that is creating the pain.
As I often say, just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true. Question those thoughts. Ask yourself if you are 100% sure they are true. Often they feel true, but aren’t. Try and come up with alternative thoughts that could also be true and feel better than the ones that are making you feel icky.
“So what?” It’s such a simple question, and easily shines a light on what we are really feeling uneasy about. The more we understand that it’s our thoughts that most often bring us down, the easier it becomes to not buy into the drama we create for ourselves. You got this!
That’s it—that’s all I got for ya!
Happy day!!
